a bit of me...

1 Chronicles 29:11

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours."

So what does this have to do with me right now? For the past 9 months, I've been away at college playing basketball, leading worship, creating new friends, starting a new life, making a new identity. Now I'm back home, I'm not playing basketball there anymore, in fact, I don't know if or where I'm playing at all. It's June 7, and I have no idea where I will be in 2 months. Will I just be working? Am I completely done with sports? Will I get to experience college? What is it that God wants from me right now? 

A couple months ago, it was our last athletes chapel in Colorado. I lead worship for it. Our speaker's name was Brian Schwartz, a former NFL football player. He was always open to pray for anyone who wanted to come up. This was right after I had quit the basketball team, telling them God had a different plan for me in the coming year. I wanted to see if he could pray for me, but I wasn't all so sure about it. I wanted an answer about what I was supposed to be doing. I got in line and waited for a little while, listening to other's prayer requests and hearing him pray for them from the spirit. As one girl went up and told about her current situation, about 10 of us girls all huddled around her, putting our hands on her and praying with him. Her situation brought tears to my eyes, as well as about 6 other girls who were prayed for after her. I sort of had a deal with God. I wasn't going to ask him for prayer or tell him what my situation was or what I needed, I was just going to wait to see what happened. 

When it seemed everyone but a few had been prayed for fervently, the intimate time we had together seemed to be over...until he looked me straight in the eyes and started asking questions. They were not uncommon questions. None that should've made me teary-eyed and emotional. But I was teary-eyed and I couldn't hold it in. He asked me if I was holding anything back when I was singing up there. His friend who had come with him that day said, "You have more to you. That is only a fraction of what you can do." 

It reminded me of when I was only about 9 or 10. I was sitting in the kitchen, frustrated about something or another. I was shy at that age, and I was not satisfied with myself and I wanted people to know who the real me was. "I want to break out!" I said that to my mom. That rang true then and now. Isn't that what everyone longs for - for people to know and understand who the real you is. You can tell when people admire you for someone you are not, or despise you for someone they think you are based off of almost nothing. Or maybe you did mess up, maybe they do have a reason to think badly of you. Or maybe you had an amazing day that people admire you for, but they don't care to know you any deeper than your skills and successes. They just want to use you for them. I've felt that on more than one occasion. 

The speaker continued to ask questions and I continued to let tears stream out of my eyes. I lifted my hands to heaven, and now I was being prayed for. I felt many hands touching me and the Holy Spirit working in me. As he prayed, he said the most touching things I could have heard. I knew God had been directly speaking to me when he said, "God has not put you on the shelf. He knows what he's doing." I hadn't been able to put my emotions into words, but those two sentences summed it all up. I have felt put on the shelf and forgotten about. I don't know where I am going or what I am supposed to be doing. I felt out of place and messy, incompetent and unsure of myself. But as my brother said in his blog the other day, God does not call the equipped, but equips the called. 

As I still stood there teary, yet holding back, I was told to let it all out, and though it took me a while, I did. I felt safe among a special group of believers who were so focused on the spirit, it did not matter how ridiculous I could be looking right now. He continued speaking truth and life to my spirit, "You are a leader - not like others. God says that yes you are messy, but he wants you with your mess." I cannot explain to you how much my soul needed to hear that. Even now just thinking about it makes me emotional. I am still messy - Surprise, Surprise! But reliving that moment helps me remember that my God is still here and still has a plan. 

I'd never had an experience like it, and my faith grew because of it. The speaker asked if I had a strong group of spiritually encouraging and challenging people around me. I knew I did not and I really am yearning to find a few that can challenge me like that. He told me my gift of singing was more than just singing. He said that when I sing I draw something that is of God from the inside, in the depths of my soul. I've never defined it that way, but that is how I feel when I sing. That is the way I express and really connect with God. It's not of me or because of me. It's all of Him, and I want to use it.
Like Mrs. Malcom said in Honors English senior year,

"Don't show false humility and pretend that you don't have strengths and gifts. Be confident in them. Look at it this way. God gave these gifts to you, but not for you!" 

In other words, the gifts he's given us are not for our own pleasure, but for others to point back to God. They are His gifts, and we do not have to be ashamed of them or falsely humble. So if you boast in anything, boast in His work in you. 

1 Chronicles 29:11

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours."