Grief Spoils Good Intentions.
Grief Spoils Good Intentions i f y o u l e t i t .There are so many drastic immediate effects of grief that happen when you experience death close up, especially sudden. As I walk through the 3rd year of my own grief, I am noticing the more s u b t l e effects of grief, the things that usually go unnoticed. I want to bring light to them for me and for you in an attempt to fight and ultimately defeat some of the nasty effects that happen when we are unaware.
This story was recent, is true and a little personal. The purpose is not for pitty from those who don't understand yet the road of grief, but to shed light on it and, honestly, to admit my struggles and failures in it. For those of you who know grief well, it is a challenge and (hopefully) inspiration to you to fight hard against what the devil intends to continue to damage and destroy. He's already destroyed enough. Let's not give him any more leeway!
The realization.
I walked in to work the other day, groggy, maybe a little sick, but beyond any real reason, I was so struggling on the inside that it felt like my eyes could water at any moment if someone just looked at me, unkind or kind it didn't matter. So, I kept a little to myself and did my job as well as I could so as to not stir up those emotions.
This week in particular, if my mom had been there, she would have made me great (comfort) food, she would be asking all the questions, she would know everything like a mind-reader, she would see, and she would be doing basically all the things I was trying to do to take care of myself. That thought lead me to long for just an evening t o b e l o v e d like this. I suppose this feeling was lingering into the work day even while I was unaware.
Grief's double edge.
In the middle of this day I mentioned before, one of my co-workers stopped me during a busy lunch and said "I just want to give you a hug" and proceeded to hug me. I thought this was a genuine, kind gesture and I appreciated it, and then almost immediately after thinking this, I was C H O K I N G on this gut-wrenching hurt that this person hugging me was not my mom and n e v e r w o u l d b e. I neither anticipated nor welcomed this thought, but it was there still...t h r e a t e n i n g m e.
I can't describe to you how frustrating these moments are - when grief comes around and not only spoils the blessing for you to fully enjoy, but spoils what anyone can even do to encourage or bless you. It quite literally s t e a l s t h e j o y that was intended for you, and s t e a l s t h e g e n u i n e g i f t someone had for you. When I think about these moments in that light, I take it personally!
I t ' s n o t o k a y. And it's no one's fault.
Hopeless or Fightless?
So, this is extremely hopeless right? What can I turn to in all of this - when I feel as though it's inexplainable to anyone around me, as though n o o n e could understand, as though these moments meant for good will always come with an aftertaste of intense bitterness?! I could continue walking around t a k i n g t h e s e d a g g e r s that no one truly deserves and just survive it. That picture just seems pathetic, not brave or bold. It's giving in. F I G H T L E S S and H O P E L E S S.
Fight for You and Fight for Them.
I'm not going to continue walking around hopeless. Do I have a reason to? Sure, I guess. I could probably convince you that my hopelessness is justified. But, there's something that excites me about replaying those moments and a d d i n g a f i g h t! Instead of just letting that dagger of bitterness take me over, letting it dishonor the goodness of a kind person and take advantage of my heart, I would fight. I would call it out. I would protect the people around me and my own heart from being tainted and devalued, even if they have no idea what's happening. I would not let the devil use my pain against me and continue to sucker punch me into my own isolated pitty.
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REMIND ME, GOD, TO:
H a v e A T h a n k f u l H e a r t : I can too easily become the victim and isolate myself in these situations. When I am focused on me, the fight is already over. When I think about the good people around me and the character of God as protector and fighter, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.
R e f l e c t : This post alone has helped me articulate some of my feelings and thoughts on these all too real things that I struggle with. When I reflect, I can make sense of some of the conflicting feelings I am facing.
R e d i r e c t : This part gives me a feeling of empowerment - seeking truth under the word of God helps me to see more clearly that there is work to be done, that it is not hopeless, and that God is not limited. When I am struggling to understand or believe who God is in the midst of it, I am able to lay that in the hands of God and pray for strength to grow in that area.
P r a y : Obviously, without this step, it is REALLY hard to be in step with the God who wants to give my heart freedom and empower me to be untouchable to anything that is not of Him.
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Even though these moments are hard, I am thankful for every moment when someone is w i l l i n g , without agenda, to pause and give what they have like the hug from my coworker. I would rather bear the twinge of bitterness every single time if that means I am working alongside people who are not too worried about themselves or their jobs to stop and acknowledge the person beside them.
I will have battles before me, and I w i l l l o s e some, but I pray I will never stop fighting, and I pray you won't stop either. Grief is not your fault, but don't let grief spoil the good intentions and blessings from those around you. Dive into relationships. Be honest. K e e p f i g h t i n g. Keep holding on. L o v e J e s u s.
Y o u a r e d e a r l y l o v e d !
-Joelle Elise
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