Letting Go of Holding On.

I'm letting go of holding on. That's sort of a graceful, wonderful way of putting it. Ideally, I picture dainty, beautiful hands softly releasing the thing that was keeping a beautiful soul from becoming everything it was created to. Then, as the thing is released, the soul is able to fly free and immediately finds affirmation and purpose to move on and become more.

Well, maybe it can happen like that. Maybe it sometimes does. But, when I recently learned to let go of holding on, it was more like the following picture: Hands, arms, legs, and maybe even teeth clenching hold of something that  b l i n d - s i d e d  m y  h e a r t  when I realized it was being ripped away. When there was nothing there anymore to hold on to, my heart and soul did not fly free, but fell on its face, fell in a pit, and felt the sores and aches of muscles that continued to reach after something that would not be given back.

My soul did not immediately fly away with a new revelation, bright-eyed and full of inspiration like the first word picture. I  d i d  n o t  f l y  a t  a l l. I questioned my ability to fly - I questioned everything. The doubt that filled me forced to me to.

Isn't that a more accurate picture of us when something is taken away from us in this unpredictable life? Maybe for you it was an injury that took away the ability to finish a sports career (I've been there), an unexpected move to a new place, losing a job you loved and/or depended on, a friend or family member who moved away, the end of a relationship, your health declining, or maybe you've experienced losing someone close to you forever - a  M O M ,  dad, sister, brother, grandparent, friend.

It has to get worse before it gets better.
So there you are - at this point of being blindsided and  w r e c k e d.  You know God is good, but your heart isn't there yet (read the Psalms...David was there many times). What do you do next? Do you praise with your lips when your heart is, to some degree, cursing or questioning him? Do you post on Facebook about how good God is in the midst of your trial when you have not experienced it yet? Do you go along smiling and making sure everyone believes in how "strong" you are? Those options seem...kind of right? People will definitely praise you for them if that's what you're after, but your heart will still be there, lingering...

I n  t h a t  H A R D  p l a c e.

Although I believe in keeping good countenance and poise while experiencing a trial is extremely beneficial, what I have learned in the midst of them is that God is not interested in our perfect appearances or whether or not we are praising him with our lips or  u s i n g  our trial to reach people. H e  j u s t  a s k s  f o r  u s.  No makeup. No filter. The ugly ugly stuff. The stuff you want to scream about. For me, it got so much worse before it could begin to get better in my heart of hearts.  I T  G O T  R E A L  - the stuff most people would rather avoid.

The heart's dark, dusty corner.
This part is so important and something I had to work out with the LORD in my own time.

It's a vulnerable moment to let God in to the dark, dusty corner of your heart - where the real questions of life and doubt and anger and sin live. But, for me, letting the light in and letting him renew it will continue to be one of the best things I will learn in my life. When my mom suddenly passed away, I sat in a literal dark room for days breaking down and letting some ugly stuff out. It did not always feel good, but God was working it out and was not afraid of anything I had to throw at him...and sometimes, in my pain, it literally felt like I was relentlessly  F I R I N G  things at him wondering if he would finally decide I wasn't worth it anymore. He probably sighed at my effort that couldn't come close to matching his relentless love.

I found out He could handle it, because  H E   k n o w s. He knows it all. He saw past the hard wall of the hurt and fear and pain that I was fighting through, and fully knew the precious daughter before him - sitting, aching, longing for her mom, longing to be loved, to be seen. Throughout the pain of this, I  F E L T  t h a t.  I knew that he knew. I knew he knew me fully and completely. That was healing in itself.

My heart in bringing light to the messiness of letting go (and may I add the grander messiness of sanctification), is to give encouragement that when you are at that place where God is moving you through something hard that is going to shape and change you, it's going to be messy.  L e t  i t.  You aren't doing it wrong when you fall apart while you are being chiseled and built into more of who God created you to be. You are not actually doing it at all. God is working it out, and it is never ending. All you need to know is that He is a good shepherd and that it is a process...even when you are  p r e s s e d  on all sides.

Open Hands.
I've come to realize that there are lots of things I am still clinging to that God is breaking me from. And so it's a cycle of learning to let go of the need to hold on. To Anything. Except Christ. As I continue to have a better understanding of having zero entitlement to hold on to anything, the messy picture of things being ripped from my clenching hands becomes more and more like a picture of a couple of open hands. In them lie things, people, plans, hurts, and loves which are free to come and go as the Lord pleases without as much struggle each time.

As open as I feel my hands have become, the Lord continues to  r e v e a l  more that I can let go of. What I justify to hold onto today, I become more convicted of tomorrow as I spend more time with the Lord. I am learning (ever so slowly) that all of  l i f e  i s  b u t  r u b b i s h  compared to Christ. When I begin to entertain the idea that it is even close to comparable to Christ, I am guilty of idolatry: exchanging my Creator for the value of a creature or created thing (Romans 1:24) - as I was reminded at church this morning. With this in mind, I can enjoy these blessings placed before me without growing bitter by the things that have been and will be taken away because they don't compare. It keeps me moving forward to experiencing more of Christ and what it looks like to live in His kingdom and not my own.

Turn Your Gaze.
God is good. Anything that you could possibly try to substitute him is inadequate, unsatisfying, fake, wrong. The only advice I can give in this process that has helped me grow and thrive is to simply gaze. Gaze at Jesus.  S e e k  and search his character.  L o o k  to his strength.  L i s t e n  to his voice.  R e a d  his words. You cannot gaze at the Creator and keep yourself from falling in love with him, more than the world, more than your family, more than anything.

And then...assuming you've already begun to  G A Z E  , ask yourself questions while you grow in this (questions that were also conveniently brought out in church today) : What is more important to me than God? What do I easily say yes to without question? What affects my purpose in life? What could I not imagine life without? Where do I give most of my affection? If your answer is "probably self" to that last question like it is for me, we have some work to do. BUT that work is the Lord's - not yours - so just be open to conviction and continue to gaze at your Creator.

To let go and to hold on to Christ, to gaze at Him, to know Him. That's all I want - for me and for you.


Although I love to write and discuss these types of topics, I am not The Author of all Life, and the Lord has so much more for you than I could ever express or hope to attempt to write about. My thoughts are inspired by my relationship with the Lord. With that being said, I would like to point you to READ the Word of God and allow it to transform your heart, PRAY fervently to the Lord about all things, and BE present with Him. I pray this was encouraging, challenging, or affirming for you and that God uses it for your good.



You are so dearly loved.

-Joelle Elise-