The Weight of Grief and Glory

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

Today I am grieving what I feel has wasted away within me in the 10 years I've spent without my mom. 

It's catastrophic.

I know God's done so much good and has given me strength and no doubt lots of growth.
Yet I look at myself and I still just see so much loss. Not always. But today I do.
My spirit, body, mind have been worn over this time and it shows.
(Motherhood, I realize, in all of its sleepless glory, is a big part of that too)
I grieve the weight I've been carrying to "keep it all together" when things keep on moving.

My efforts cannot keep the effects of the loss from showing up in big ways, even now.
The initial heartbreak of it knocked me down, but the impact keeps slowly chipping away.

A part of me is still hoping and waiting for complete and total relief. Yet the weight continues.

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The middle. Sunday is coming. Sunday's not here yet. And I don't know when it will be. I imagine this long waiting is like waiting for Jesus to rise. Did they always believe He would? Their mourning tells me they might have at least wondered. What turmoil. To endure. To remain faithful. To move in belief. When it didn't make sense.

But they knew Jesus. They knew Jesus.

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Today I am believing for what is being re-constructed, redeemed, and renewed in me. 

It's extraordinary, breath-taking.

I know I am broken beyond my own repair and only make things worse with my effort.
Yet I can look to Jesus, who I know and who sees all of it.
I see something more precious in me than I could ever cultivate.
My soul is being molded and held together in each new season.
I am believing God's word and promises when things move too fast for me. 

My failures cannot keep the Lord from showering me with grace to endure, mercy when I'm weak, freedom from the heavy burden, and blessing upon blessing, even when I do not see it.

The impact of the goodness of God in his sacrificial death and his resurrection to defeat it continues to bring abundant and gracious life to my bones day by day.

I can nearly taste the complete and total relief I will find in eternity with him. In being with him.

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For now, I am here in the middle. Sunday is coming and is not here yet.

But I know Jesus. I know Jesus.

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I love you Jesus. Thank you for your sacrifice, your insurmountable goodness beyond my understanding. Thank you for the work you did in my mom and others that you are continuing to do in me.

For my mom: Lisa Jane Andersen May 3, 1963- April 5, 2016. We’ve missed you for 10 years. On Easter. You've gained 3 in-laws and 5 grandchildren in that time that I know you would be obsessed over. There's not a family gathering we don't daydream about you being there with us and the kids. We've missed you on countless holidays, weddings, vacations, birthdays, NICU stays, ER visits, late sleepless nights, target trips, national championships, local softball championships ;), family meals, hard days, good days, and all the regular days. We miss your smile, your laugh, your ridiculous dances and silliness, your photos and creative videos, your excitement about what God is doing and teaching you, your written stories and life lessons, your notes, your depth of understanding, your music, your ability to draw out and encourage people to "go for it" and allow God to use their passions and gifts, and even your crooked finger. Thank you mom for bringing me to Jesus - I can’t wait to see you again and I am so glad I can. Love, Joelle Elise